Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i believe in u and ur pee
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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