Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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