I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
