someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
