This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
