i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
