I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
