the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
