And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
