My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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