In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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