my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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