just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
