I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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