i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
