I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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