Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
