having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
