Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
