so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
