She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
