He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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