Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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