end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
