i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
