I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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