life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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