Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
