its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
