my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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