my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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