Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
