my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i now understand why vodka
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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