I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
