My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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