Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize