The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it's great music for shaving your balls
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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