So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
