OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
