Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't deserve a penis
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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