FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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