Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
