Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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