It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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