So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
