I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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