I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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