There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
