I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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