All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
