that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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