dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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