I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
