My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize