apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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