I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
