I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
