Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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