Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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