I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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