i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
