Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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