man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
