I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
