the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
