how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
