mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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