the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize